Lost and Found

“We don’t breathe to live, we breathe to enliven,” the yoga instructor whispered softly as she walked by my mat.

Do we have to philosophize at this moment? Can't you see I'm crumpled over attempting a seated forward bend?!

That I identified with this mental chit-chat in that moment was nothing new. I completely missed the infinite depth of the pose itself, the present moment. I wasn’t even aware of the stretch.

I’ve been practicing the Sudarshan Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi meditation for a while and the level of mental clarity that has arisen is astounding. However, just as at the yoga studio, there are still moments throughout the day that I identify with my mental chatter, my reaction to the present moment, resisting what is.

What's been most noticeable, however, has been how these practices bring into full perspective many of the negative tendencies that I have accumulated over time. The practices bring the magnifying glass to new locations in the mind each day, focusing that ray of light into a beam which burns the tendency to a crisp. What negative mental tendency shall I burn today? I don't actually ask myself that, it just happens.

But, there are definitely still those moments in which I feel like a complete space cadet and not present. For example, a few weeks ago, I was driving home in rush hour from a long day at the hospital with my car windows down and the A/C broken. It was 95 degrees out, I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and sweating, and my attention was drifting towards all the interesting people on the sidewalk who were walking, running, skateboarding, or talking, all the while vaguely aware that there was a mental script running about the events of the day at the hospital and about these people I was observing.

I was also on the cell phone, apparently.

What a joke I thought as I hung up. Here I am always talking about how I've become so focused and how important it is to give 100% to the present moment. I felt more like a pie chart with my attention divided up into 100 different slices.

I must also admit that there have been many times recently where I feel like my mind is lost in the world. It's as if my thoughts and desires are like little bullets of glue which attach themselves to people, objects, and situations – to the world. Dispassion? It's getting there...

Out of these moments of entanglement and confusion, however, has arisen a sneaky new awareness. My concepts about the types of experiences I ought to be having and the experiences that are best for me are in jeopardy now. Concepts of right and wrong are being crushed left and right by blocks of awareness falling from the sky. Sound painful? Yes, but growing pains are always something to look forward to, something from which we become bigger and more powerful. Running in either direction, hiding from this scary new awareness, I still sometimes feel lost in the transition from one state of mind to another, and unsure about what is happening.

But, the amazing thing though is that you have to lose yourself to find yourself. You have to have been lost at some point to know you’re going in the right direction. What a strange game life is. If we are owned and held captive by our mental tendencies, our desires or thoughts, then we’re not living in the present moment. That is the only place where we can find ourselves.

I’m so grateful for these moments of confusion and frustration. I’m so grateful to Sri Sri for giving me the gift of the Sudarshan Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi meditation, which have helped accelerate my awareness - my perception, observation, and expression - of how to deal with the entangling and confusing aspects of life. On some level, I have always heard these words, but the many moments of confusion and entanglement have raised the volume: Hey Rob, guess what? I’m doing this to help you step out of your story, out of your personal dilemma! I’m intensifying these feelings for you so that you don’t look to the world to make you happy!

I promise you I’m not schizophrenic.

Well, to the average person I’d seem crazy. But, the good news is that there is relief in recognizing that nothing outside of yourself can give you lasting and complete happiness, as Sri Sri often remarks. By seeing of all this drama pass, like a cloud, a part of yourself which was unconscious, is now conscious. That's the power of Sudarshan Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi meditation.